Vitamin D (epressing)

In case you hadn't noticed, I suffer from Anxiety & Depression. Some days I think Cancer would be easier to live with. Yesterday was my birthday & I can honestly say in 47 years, I think it was my worst, but I made it through it. Special thanks to my friends because, without you I doubt I would have.
One of my birthday presents was a bottle of multi vitamins & a bottle of Vitamin D from a friend who also suffers from this hideous condition.

So with my lunch yesterday, I downed 2 extra pills with my anti-depressants. I don't know if it was a placebo effect or it worked but last night I went to sleep at a reasonable hour, didn't have horrific dreams and woke before my 7.30am alarm and actually got out of bed without too much trouble. An hour later, here I sit with a coffee and bagel writing my blog. I have popped all my pills again and feel ready to face the world. I really can't remember the last time this happened.

I have been trying a lot of things to improve my life and beat depression so I know the vitamins alone are not doing the work but I am sure they help. I have seen a Psychologist, joined a community arts group, started taking on contract work and of course writing in my blog. None of these things were easy to do, the easiest thing for me to do is to stay in bed and hide from the world but I am getting very bored with this lifestyle.

None of the changes are really the root of the problem, I know the problem is I don't feel loved. I know my friends love me and I love them in return but feeling loved is a different thing. Knowing there is someone who wants to hold you, kiss you and be with you every day. This is something I have rarely felt in my life and to be totally honest I am jealous of people who have it. I hate being jealous, I want to be happy for them but in my heart I wonder why I can't find this passion in my life. I have surrounded myself with animals and friends in an attempt to fill this gap and in many ways it does.

As I get older it becomes harder to believe I will find passionate love with one other person and think I am going to be an old cat woman. I have friends who have no trouble meeting men and wonder what their "trick" is, but I guess being open and trusting is the first step - something else I have trouble with. I have been burned in the past, this makes me untrusting and means I put up a barrier when I meet someone new. It takes a long time for that wall to fall and by the time it does the person has often moved on.  I don't think I have all the answers, in fact I think I am still looking for the answers and this is part of that processes. Feel free to contribute any answers you may have - I'm open to your idea's.